Monday, January 2, 2017

The lap of (broken) luxury

I have not one, not two, but an impressive THREE "Space Grey" iPhone 6's in, or soon to be in, my possession.

Now, anyone who knows me knows of my deep affinity for luxury, as they couldn't help but notice the retractable roof on my mini van, my fancy coffee machine that crafts espresso drinks at home, our complete collection of Curious George episodes spanning approximately 82 discs on DVD (thanks Nonna), and our Costco sized bag of toilet paper that takes up the entire space underneath the kids' bathroom sink. 

My growing iPhone collection however has far less to do with my luxury addiction and far more to do with a tiny almost 10 month old human.

We were having the first of our 73 nightly hangouts, my phone settled in next to me so I could properly escape into the world of social media instead of engaging with my sleepless child at midnight...when suddenly one of her tiny ninja legs abruptly shot out, sending my phone flying off of its resting place and crashing screen first onto the hard metal base of her cuddle-me-bunny swing.

Similar to the feeling I had when I landed awkwardly on my arm in the backyard in 4th grade playing catch with my dad...I was pretty certain something was broken. 

My fears were confirmed, both for the arm in 1990 and my phone in 2016, as the room which holds my tiny ninja baby was gently illuminated by me holding a tiny shattered screen. 

My husband kindly taped up the glass shards the next day and a replacement phone was at our door within 24 hours. It did indeed replace the first phone, in every way except that it refused to make phone calls.

In my replacement phone's defense, it probably read the Buzzfeed article about people who hate talking on the phone, and could quickly sense I was one of those people, but I still appreciate that the phone companies continue to offer this feature.

So, just after noon today, I made my children change out of their shorts and t-shirts and into something mildly presentable for both the general public and the 30 degree weather, brushed at least Emma's hair for good measure, changed a diaper, put a mix of toxic and non-toxic facial products on myself, as well as pants that were made from actual jean material rather than the stretchy kind I normally sport while skillfully homeschooling my children for 6-8 hours a day, made our way to the car and were off on an exotic adventure to our local AT&T store! 

Almost. 

We've had a bit of a cold streak here the last few days and our van doors have a habit of freezing when it dips below 68 degrees...

Now, before going further with this saga, I do realize this phone situation is totally a "first world problem" like the kids in 2016 used to say. 

So, in light of this perspective, I thanked Jesus for our minivan (with the retractable roof) as I poured water over the frozen doors to defrost them, was thankful that my children would be abundantly hydrated with all of the snow they had consumed while I chiseled away at the van, and was thankful that our nearly hour wait at the phone store was filled with a very small percentage of whining, mild overtired baby cries, only one utterance of "I have to go potty!!" which was quickly forgotten about (or perhaps the AT&T couch was more absorbent than it appeared...we can never know), 3 minutes of sunshine shadow puppets on the wall, and a good 40 minutes of my children playing with iPhone Virtual Reality glasses. 

The nice AT&T employee man turned my phone off, turned it back on, checked something and said it appeared to be working. Great!

After a healthy drive-thru lunch was consumed (it was almost 2 o'clock by this point, and also I haven't put all of the finishing touches on my 2017 Resolution List so "healthy eating habits" isn't technically on the list yet) we returned home and replacement phone #1 again refused to make any calls. 

My children and I read foreign novels, sewed our outfits for the next day, tended our virtual garden with our new pair of iPhone Virtual Reality glasses, and did some quick algebra equations to pass the time until my husband returned home with his working phone so I could call the nice AT&T people for help.

The gentleman I spoke to at customer service was quite kind about everything, even if he did dare to ask me "What's for dinner?" and I was forced to confess that I was making a frozen pizza for dinner at 6:45pm...after the 2pm drive-thru fiasco! In my defense, we ate vegetables with dinner, and Buzzfeed tells me my awkward phone aversion/overprocessing is normal.

So, all of this to say, my third Space Grey iPhone6 should be here in 1-2 business days...as well as a lovely rose gold shatterproof shockproof case to keep it safe from ninja babies and clumsy mamas.