Thursday, March 24, 2011

An open letter...

Dear Third Trimester,

I am absolutely exhausted, often overheated, and have a quickly dwindling "belly appropriate" wardrobe to accommodate my ever growing frame.

You win.

I give up.

Well played...



P.S. (If I were a "Tweeter" these are the kinds of life-changing updates I would offer..)

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

"This should go down in some sort of Baby Shower history book..." - Mary Ann Cates 03/19/2011

On Saturday, the kid currently residing in me had her first blowout party with some of her very favorite women in the world who she hasn't technically met yet but who occasionally speak directly into my stomach (an otherwise uncomfortable scenario) so that their voice is easily recognizable by her once she enters the world :)

She was spoiled with everything a new little human needs as they enter the world.

Well, almost....

I will admit that there are some obvious glaring omissions in an otherwise maxed out registry. I can't quite figure it out, except to assume that people are waiting until closer to the due date to purchase the following entirely (in my opinion) obvious childhood necessities:

#1. A pony.

How else will our young, impressionable child learn responsibility? Chores? Dolls? Digi Pets????

No! Only by having a pony.

This was my argument when I was 7 (minus the Digi Pets, which I would have loved I'm certain) and it is still my argument these "few" years later....

We will call him Star. Because he looks like a rock star. Like that Justin Bieber.

#2. Barbie Car.

Much like the number one neglected wish-list item above, this practical mode of childhood transportation (for when the pony gets tired) is in no means a way of vicariously living out through my child the dreams that were left unfulfilled in my own formidable years...

Look how happy this girl is! Do you think an "imaginary" car would get her safely to Albertsons to pick up milk for her mother like this actual car would???

No. And we'll buy a helmet too. Please. We're nothing if not responsible people.

#3. The Wii

Okay, first of all, it's not like we're asking for a "Kinect" here. That would be a bit over the top for a baby registry. We realize this.

Which is why we are willingly downgrading to this cumbersome contraption that you have to adhere to your wrist to even use. But how else will our kid learn any sort of hand-eye coordination (for successful pony-steering)?? By trying to force different brightly colored shapes into their corresponding slots? By wasting their time trying to learn to ride a bike or cross some monkey bars?? Nope!

By working out with a virtual Jillian Michaels and bowling with a virtual **Walter Ray Williams!

#4. In Ground Heated Swimming Pool.

Kids have to learn how to swim in this day and age. And swimming lessons are expensive.

I don't really feel like this one needs a great deal of explanation because it constitutes such a valid need.

#5. Super Nanny

We don't want her to tell us how we're faltering as parents, but maybe just come visit for a few days when our kids are older and speak to them in her lovely accent.

Actually, maybe she should be the one talking loudly into my stomach at this stage of our child's development so her wisdom can be fully imparted before the kid even gets a chance to be influenced by outside sources. I should bump this up to #1 on the registry.

#6. Lifetime Disneyland Pass (for 3)

I waited 29 long years to get there, and thanks to some generous person, our child won't have to.

In fact, I believe we have a standing verbal agreement with the Scandretts to go with us to Disney Land soon after our child is born and hold her while we ride rides. Putting it on here makes it legally binding I'm fairly certain.

#7. The First Ascent "Igniter" Jacket. (developed and tested by the world's top mountain guides).

I don't recall actually registering for this personally, but my husband said (after revealing what I thought to be a smile but he insisted was a twitch) that he would make sure it got properly returned if we accidentally received more than one of these in varying colors (like black, blue, or green).

**I Googled "Famous Bowlers" and Walter Ray Williams came up. Just so I don't give anyone a wrong impression of my falsely vast bowling knowledge.

Thursday, March 17, 2011


I'd heard rumors about the third trimester bringing with it not only the inability to sit comfortably for more than 5 minutes, but also some vivid, perhaps slightly unrealistic dreams involving child birth.

A friend of mine, we'll call her "Adriane," dreamt she had given birth to a litter of kittens.

Well, apparently inspired by her dream and never one to be outdone, last night I had a dream that I gave birth to this....

Welcome to the world Whiskers Ferguson. We have big plans for you and your freakishly giant paws.

Mom and Dad

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Things I've Learned....continued...

#148. Downloading new music to your iPod can make a long day of uncomfortable sitting at work far more enjoyable.

My personal recommendations/purchases for the day:

Hillsong - Aftermath. Normally, I listen to a few songs when I'm choosing new music to buy...the exceptions to this include anything by Hillsong and anything from the Bethel Church in Redding, CA :) You will not regret following in my impulsive footsteps.

Adele - 21. This girl is ridiculously talented. And she saves herself a lot of creative grief by simply naming her albums after her current age. One day this won't seem so appealing to her I imagine, but for now go with what works.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

The Things I've Learned in Pregnancy So Far.

#27. Sometimes your pen falls on the ground at work, and rather than take 15 minutes trying to stoop down and pick it up…you simply find another pen.

#54. Your friends should never leave you alone with a new kind of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream.

#82. Sometimes in your birthing/newborn classes you do everything you can to avoid seeing an actual birth in the videos they show. But at least once, you will not be able to avert your eyes in time...

#39. Make sure to befriend lots of women who have recently had children so that you have your own personal "Google" search when you have questions about things like cribs and labor drugs.

#80. I greatly preferred the phrase "Ring of Fire" when it simply pertained to a Johnny Cash song...

#57. We like to believe that this Baby Whisperer guy (and the grace of God) will help us to indeed have the "happiest baby on the block."

The stethoscope means he's a real doctor. And we like that.

#14. You will get a lot of "knowing" smiles from women around your age when they catch a glimpse of your growing midsection out in public...and a lot of blank blatant stares at your stomach region by older men whose look would seem to indicate that you have some sort of alien growth protruding out of your body that they cannot comprehend in the 7 seconds in which you pass one another...

#89. You will never tire of little knees kicking you, even when they seem inches away from physically bursting out of your stomach. Sick.

Yet beautiful.

#92. The verses in the Bible that talk about "pains like that of a woman in labor..." will take on a whole new meaning.

#43. Pregnancy, infancy, and body building are the only phases of life where you still feel good about yourself when someone says, "You are getting so big!"

#61. You (or your husband in my case) will feel pretty cool walking around Target shooting their fancy laser gun at the items you want to add to your baby registry.**

#102. "Baby needs....." is a fabulous precursor to any sentence and immediately justifies whatever demand that follows.

**If there are knives or various hiking accessories on our baby registry, this is why.